Child and adult

I'm not really sure what I am right now. Legally, I am an adult. I'm able to own property, vote, marry, smoke, have sex, gamble and all sorts of things. I've got a lot of rights and a lot of rules to go by.

At the same time, I'm still a kid to most people. I'm 19, still very young and sometimes stupid. I'm learning a lot and making many, many mistakes. When I was still legally a kid, I was never a child - I had too much weight, too many problems to experience being a child.

It's a really tricky balancing act because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be, how I'm supposed to act. I'm in college and there are a lot of people around me who choose to remain children. They smoke, drink, do drugs and get lost in the hormones of teenhood.

I see that and know that I don't want to be it, but I don't know how to deal with the stupid hormonal impulses. I shut down or speak up at the wrong times. I act stupid and rebel when treated like a kid but can't seem to own up to the responsibilities of being an adult.

I never went through these experiences when I was an actual teenage kid and they're all catching up now. I don't know what to do with them some days, but I'm making it through.  It's always a challenge, but I know I'll come out better on the other side.