Sunday, August 19, 2012

Hitting, humming and twisting, oh my

Something different has been going on with me in the past month.  I think my stress reactions are changing, or something is at least, because I've begun doing things I've never done before.  Namely, I've started hitting and tapping myself and things around me more often, as well as humming a single note and twisting my body.  I'm not sure this is a positive development, but it's very curious.

At times, it seems like a new stim.  I tap my head over and over again when I'm stressed or overwhelmed by the environment.  Just this past week, I was sitting in my doctor's office and the combination of the air conditioner, people talking and doors opening became too much for me.  I wound up sitting with my head down, tapping the sides of it over and over to block everything out.

Other times, it's more troubling, like when I was at a music festival.  Sitting there, I wound up constantly shaking my hands, tapping them together, hitting the ground or my head or my shoulders and twisting my torso around.  I don't understand why I'm doing this, if it's an AS thing or something else.  I feel better when I do it, there's no compulsion or obsessive need to, but at the same time I don't want to do it.  I know I look crazy and I hate looking weird in public.

Sometimes it's calming, while sometimes it's not.  It's alien and unwanted.  I have to move, have to shake my hands and tense my muscles, have to hum a single pitch to myself or hit my shoulder with my hand over and over.  I feel like I'm not in control of my body when that happens.  My tics - the twitching and grimacing ones I usually have - aren't great, but I'm at peace with them.  These are a new senation.

Anyone else suddenly develop something like this?  Should I be worried about it, or just let it go and hope it goes away?

1 comment:

  1. So I know you wrote this years ago but I just wanted to say that I’m going through almost exactly the same thing. I never used to stim beyond fidgeting but since I finished high school I’ve started doing a lot more. I hit my chest or head, I like to rock and bounce (subtly in public), I hum a single pitch and do this throat clearing thing. I don’t need to do it, it’s not like I don’t realize I’m doing it, it just feels better when I’m getting bad. It’s reassuring to know someone knows what I’m going through. It’s validating.